christmas

I'm feeling really anxious about christmas tonight. part of that is probably because of what it was like last time we went to NJ (poppy's birthday party~Zach was overwhelmed and withdrawn, inappropriate uncle was inappropriate, drunken cynical loud uncle was drunk and cynical and loud, and I was back to feeling like a 12 year old).

It's a big family christmas eve type thing~all the aunts and uncles and cousins and poppy under one roof, most of the adults drinking heavily, the older cousins (anywhere from 30 to 45) talking about their jobs and kids, the younger cousins talking about...idk, justin beiber or something, they're all about 13 to 16, and...me. It was always like that though~I fall in between a 32 year old and a 21 year old, and I've never really been close to any of them. Zach got all withdrawn last time~between meeting a bunch of new people and being pissed at inappropriate uncle, he kind of went into shutdown mode and fiddled with his phone on the loveseat away from other people. So it leaves me with the choice of trying to make polite conversation with relatives who love pretending to be close to me, sitting alone with Zach in his funk, or making him sit with me while I attempt conversation~he doesn't DO small talk or new people or assholery (unless it's his own). So that's my list of options there.

The other reason is that I'm NOT close to any of them. I never really had been close to the cousins because of the age gaps~just big enough to matter when I was in junior high, which was the last time for a long time we were all together. My aunts are a lot like my father~even though they don't intend things to come out as criticism, a lot of it does~that kind of snide, backhanded compliment kind. And I mean, some of it stuck WITH me, things that didn't even seem hurtful, but were just insensitive, and I was a pretty sensitive kid. Like getting a 12 year old a tank top and underwear from Victoria's Secret for christmas, and saying it was good they had tops like that, because it wasn't like I needed a bra. Or, when I was there for a few days with my dad in high school, my aunt cathy took me shopping so I'd have something to do, because my dad was busy getting some of my grandpa's affairs in order (poppy gets sick a lot off and on, I think that was when he took care of getting the power of attorney and stuff transferred to my aunt) but anyway, she took me shopping with the phrase, "be happy I'm taking you, because lord knows your father wouldn't do something like this". INSENSITIVE, especially since, with the exception of that 4 day trip, I usually only saw my dad every other saturday.

When my parents divorced (jr high) it was like that entire side of the family disappeared. I didn't know about births, or marriages, or divorces until WELL after the fact (whenever dad got around to mentioning it). No birthday cards. A Christmas card to me and mom from "grandpa" although aunt cyndee sent them all out~which, poppy wasn't in any condition to, so I'm glad she DID think to do that for him, at least.

When Nick married Jess, quite a few of the aunts and uncles came~mainly because uncle john and aunt cyndee (brother and sister) are his godparents. Dad's girlfriend was there, mom was there, that whole side of the family was there. It was awkward and I spent most of the reception with a drink in my hand, trying to ignore exactly how awkward and hinky feeling it all was.

Aunt Larissa was actually the only one to come up and talk to me~she married Uncle John, and I've always liked her~and she actually acknowledged how awkward the whole thing was, and apologized for not keeping in touch with me for the 7 or 8 previous years, but that she just hadn't known what to say, and then a long time had gone by and she didn't know where to start again.

A lot of my bitterness comes from all of them not making more of an effort to keep in touch with me. they kept in touch with nick and tony, but none of them are my godparents, so that kind of let them off the hook I guess. And then there's the whole "I could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with THEM" but you know what? I was in JR HIGH. My parents were getting divorced because my dad cheated (A Critelli male trait, btw, my grandpa, my uncle john, and my cousins PJ and Tommy are the only men to have not cheated on their wives) and my oldest brother was an abusive drug addict. And I was hitting puberty, and that's rough enough on it's OWN. I needed support from them, and I didn't get it. So, as much as I would have liked it to be different, I cut my losses and looked elsewhere.

So when I see them now, and they act all buddy-buddy calling me "Mandy" (which I've only ever let Taryn, Amy, and my godfather call me that, so where do they get the nerve) and making overly familiar comments about how I've grown and "don't I want a job where I can make money?" it just makes me angry. And the lead-up makes me anxious, because I know seeing them is going to make me feel sad and mad and wondering why "they didn't love me!" and all that stupid crap that persists nonetheless.

Part of me knows that once poppy is gone, I probably won't see that side of the family again until my father dies, and a huge part of me is okay with that. like, 99% of me. the only reason we're going for Christmas is because poppy wants everyone there, and when that's all a 90 year old man wants for christmas, you give it to him. there's that 1% of me that would love to have a close relationship with them (they are all crazy close to each other, having lived their whole lives in the same state together) but too much time has passed and there's too much history there for that to happen.

yes yes, I know.

It seems I tend to come on here when it is late and I should be sleeping. I swear, I DO update my livejournal quite frequently. I should probably just figure out a way to tie to the together so they update simultaneously.

So tonight is about my grandpa. I love my grandpa~he's funny and kind and a sweetheart. He was career air force, and he's been retired since he was about 45. So 65 years ago, he was stationed in New Guinea, where he picked up some kind of fungal infection in his ear. The doctors kind of shrugged and sent him on his way. They've never really figured out what it is~never taken samples while it's re-occurring (which it is, for all these years), never done more intense testing other than hearing tests. When it's bad, his ears get swollen and red and hot and his hearing aids hurt to wear.

Well, he's lost about 80% of his hearing, and he applied for an increase in benefits. And now that he wants more money, TPTB are all about him coming in and getting more tests. On the slight chance that his hearing loss CAN'T be attributed to a medical condition picked up while in service.

Part of me is all "at least they'll find out what exactly is wrong with him!" but a big part is saying "why didn't they take care of this in the first place? or the other times he went to the doctor because of it?"

I know the VA does good works, but I also know they fail a good part of the time too. It just makes me sad that my awesome grandpa is one that they dropped the ball on.

holy ridiculousness

It's been so long since I've updated this thing...for real, yo, it's almost embarrassing.

So last time I posted, I was all irate with Zach :-P Whatever, it happens.

He's currently at work~his schedule changed, so he has Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and works on the weekend. Which kind of sucks, but sometimes my schedule and his line up so that we have a whole day to spend together instead of just a few hours before bedtime.

The loneliness isn't as much of an issue I guess~I mean, I'm with Ali and Ben 3 days a week, so it's not like I'm sitting at home all alone moping or anything. I just never thought I'd become someone that doesn't like being alone.

I spent so much time alone when I was a kid~I'd hide in my room and read and that was pretty much my safe place, you know? Being alone didn't bother me then. Even living in the dorm alone was fine~and AmyJo was great, but I really didn't enjoy having a roommate sophomore year. But living with Alex and Naomi was so great once we got that apartment, and it really made me enjoy living with people, and spending time just...existing in the same space as others. Then straight from that I lived with Zach, and it's almost like I've now forgotten how to be content alone. How to be alone without being lonely.

So I snuggle with the dogs and I watch bad TV until the funk passes, or I have people come over for dinner.

I think part of it is knowing that we're technically kinda stuck in Cincinnati. Since Zach is really making a career out of AAA, unless he gets to a level where they would transfer him to another station in another state, we're staying here. Nowhere near any of our families. Naomi is here, and that's awesome and I love her like she's a sister, but I hardly ever see her anymore~she and Tony have a crazy weird schedule and plans we make fall through so often. I see her every few Sundays at church, but unless we make spur of the moment plans (which is her and Tony initiating it since they have the weird schedule) I don't really see her all that much.

Tim and Truck come over often~about once a week~but I'm really lacking that sister/best-friend connection here. Alex~like, if Zach had an opportunity to work for AAA in Maryland, I would start packing immediately. I would absolutely love to live near Alex again. She was one of the first friends I made out here, and she's been a sister to me ever since. Aside from Zach, she's the one person I know for a fact I could see every day and not want to beat the crap out of or get bored with.

I dunno. I don't think I've really accepted Cincinnati as my home yet. I live here, but in my heart I haven't really faced the fact that this is where we are settled. This is where we have to plant our roots. Hell, we still have things in boxes in the second bedroom that we haven't even unpacked. And I don't know that unpacking them is what will make me accept it.

And sometimes I feel so silly. I'll start worrying about what' 5 years down the road. I mean, in 5 years, if we're gonna have kids we need to have had at least the first one by then. I'm really not too keen on being in my late 30s and still be having kids. But then I think holy hell we can't do that! We need a house with a yard, and all of our family~both sides!~are at least a 10 hour drive away. There's very little support system here for us. How could we do that without having family nearby? But then that brings up the "Zach doesn't wanna live in the South and I don't wanna live in Iowa" thing again.

I don't know how anyone PLANS to purposely have a baby. There's way too many things to stress over and consider. Maybe the accidental ones are the best.

Not that we're having any of THOSE either! I look at my friends, and the family I work for, and I know it's wrong, but sometimes I feel so jealous. They seem to have this whole adulthood thing worked out, and it's going along according to this unwritten plan that everyone hopes for that I have yet to reach. And I wonder why I don't have it together the way they do. And I realize no one has it as together as they seem to, but it still kinda bums me out.

I always felt so freaking RESPONSIBLE for denying myself the things I want because they aren't rational or feasible or realistic at the moment. But I see my family or friends or people I'll sit for getting the same things that I want out of life without planning, without stressing, and it almost makes me resent them. Not them, specifically, but their ability to say "fuck it, whatever happens happens."

I wish I could just do that. But I know that if I did, it would be a colossal disaster.

I had a plan, you know? I had my whole future planned out. This is an entirely different life than what I planned. I love it; I love Zach and our dogs and our apartment. But I think I must be mourning for all those lovely plans I had made that have since flown out the window.

yeah, I know.

I know it's been a long time~I really just haven't had anything worth saying, I guess.

I'm just irritated right now, and if I put it on my livejournal, way too many people will see this. since like, only one person reads this and she isn't someone I'm currently irritated with (much, anyway~I miss you, you're never around!) I feel relatively safe venting here :-P

Zach's been really irritating me for some reason~like, he's not doing anything different from usual, and I'm not hormonal, but I'm just inordinately grumpy with him at the moment. He spent a half hour fiddling with the remote (after i told him what was wrong with it and that we'd need a new one) only to decide that we needed to drive out to tri-county to the time warner store and get a new one. because, obviously, i don't know what the hell i'm talking about when it comes to those things or something? Yesterday we went to the movies and hung out with Tim and Emily and Truck, and it was cool, but Zach kept having this tone in his voice~I'm stressed about my parents visiting and I was all, "god, I'm gonna have to clean all week!" and he started doing that "i'm saying it jokingly, but i'm totally serious!" thing and started saying how "wow, you're actually gonna clean?" and little comments along those lines~innocent sounding stuff, but kind of snide. then in the elevator, he made a comment about not getting laid right in front of truck. and whatever, we joke about that kind of stuff when it's in general terms, but you don't SAY those kinds of things like that.

then later i asked him if he wanted to go swimming and he seemed excited to, and then was like "there's something else I'd like to do too!", like after all those little comments all day I was still supposed to be all enthusiastic or something? So I told him THAT wouldn't be happening and went to go put on my suit~came back out and suddenly he didn't wanna swim anymore~so he pretty much only said he'd go swimming thinking that if he did, he'd get laid.

and today has brought more comments, but also "are you mad about something?"

because, of course, he has no earthly idea that any of this could have, you know, BOTHERED me.

so grrr for boys being stupid~no matter how old, or married, or otherwise normal.

i am so inconsistant

So it's been a long-ass time since I've updated this thing. I have a job now; yayz! I'm a nanny 30 hours a week to a great family, and I really enjoy it. Like, to the point here if they want to keep me until the youngest is in school (he's about 7 months now) I'd gladly sign a 5-year contract.

So that's very good. A lot of my, I dunno, inner turmoil, angst, whatever, was from a lack of purpose. I didn't have a job, my days consisted of sleeping til whenever, looking for jobs on Monster, and then staying up until the wee hours of the morning because I simply wasn't tired. Half of what was wearing me down emotionally was my sleep patterns. Now that I have a job, a reason to get my butt outta bed in the morning, and the fact that my job runs me tired enough to sleep at night, I'm feeling a lot better.

I'm feeling content in a way that I haven't in a long time, and I'm really enjoying feeling that way.

I swear, I had some other deep thoughts last night, but I fell asleep and now I can't remember what they were.

holy crap it's been a bit of time...

So I was watching this episode of Oprah (I swear, it doesn't happen often, but it was on when I was flipping through the channels) and it was showing these kids going through this anger exercise.

All you do is say what makes you angry~like, not "Bad drivers make me angry!" but "I'm angry that..."

And it looked so awesome, because I don't express my anger. At all. It is a rare occasion when I get well and truly pissed and let it show. I tend to be fairly laid-back, but there are things that make me so angry, but I just never really knew how to express it constructively. I remember yelling and crying a lot when I was angry as a kid, and once I actually punched a girl I was friends with because she was being bossy, but that's it.

The last recent times I've allowed myself to be really angry and to let it out was years ago when I found out that my brother had a baby, like, a week before I was told. I was angry that I hadn't been told about the pregnancy, or even the birth until a week after. And I was angry with the mother, about the situation she had "gotten" my brother into, but reason kinda prevailed on that one, because it takes two, y'know? And I'm still a little angry that I haven't ever met my niece, who is now like, 5 or 6.

I was also angry about the situation my grandfather was in with my grandmother; the idea that she could take away so much of what he had worked for and lived for for so long, and not think twice about it.

But I'm angry about so many things, and I just keep them in and swallow them down and don't deal with them, and it's not healthy. So, here is a list of things that make me angry:

I'm angry that:
...I don't feel that I will accomplish my bigger dreams because I don't know where to start
...I can't get excited about finishing college
...I let people talk down to me
...I don't stick up for myself
...I use self-deprecating humor to protect myself even when I don't need to
...I don't have any motivation
...I can't find a job
...No matter how good I THINK I look, pictures don't lie
...I'm good at fooling myself that everything is ok
...I feel inadequate
...I'm not more responsible
...being sad makes me angry
...my neighbor is loud and obnoxious but we can't afford to move
...I can't share these thoughts with Zach
...these thoughts keep me from being the kind of person I know he deserves
...that I'm afraid to cry
...that I can't go back to age 10 and start over
...that I can't get published legitimatly
...that I'm a little good at everything, but not good at anything lucrative
...that I'm no longer young enough for this to be acceptable

http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20081130/NEWS/81130003/

So the news about Robert Williams, while awful, didn't surprise me too much. It was really only a matter of time before someone didn't live up to the impossibly high standards. Not that his actions were excusable by any means, but understandable, I guess.

I went to CCU for 2 (almost 2.5) years, where I met so many people who thought sexually active girls were whores, homosexuals were hell-bound, and anyone who hadn't been baptized (fully immersed baptized, sprinkling during infant Christening didn't count) weren't gonna get into Heaven. I personally had classmates tell me that my soul was in danger because I thought (and still think) that abortion is sometimes not only the best option, but the only option.

We could have TVs (unlike in previous years), but RAs advised us (and really, they must have been TOLD to tell us this gem) not to go to class with wet hair as it would make the guys realize we showered and lead them astray. No joke, I was told this by someone in a position of authority.

So in this environment~and who knows how long Mr. Williams was in this kind of environment (he hadn't worked for CCU his whole life, but, because he worked there, most likely shared a similar belief background)~how could those feelings have ever been dealt with in a healthy manner? I've seen men of faith, hating how they feel, not realizing they can't just NOT feel that way, do the "right thing" and marry some girl and keep denying to themselves who they are.

So yes; his actions were deplorable, but perhaps not his motives. He's not "allowed" to be a homosexual, he had to find other ways to deal with it. When I first saw the story, before it was revealed that the cop was a male, I already had a feeling it would be. Besides the location~also known after dark as "Mount Fairy" (I didn't make that up, folks)~a man looking for a female pro probably wouldn't drive all the way out to Cincinnati~Mount Airy, for that matter~when he could just pop down to Newport.

Who knows how long he's known about this part of himself? Or how many times he'd done the same thing, only without being caught?

A society that makes sex and sexuality shameful does its citizens no good.