yeah, I know.

I know it's been a long time~I really just haven't had anything worth saying, I guess.

I'm just irritated right now, and if I put it on my livejournal, way too many people will see this. since like, only one person reads this and she isn't someone I'm currently irritated with (much, anyway~I miss you, you're never around!) I feel relatively safe venting here :-P

Zach's been really irritating me for some reason~like, he's not doing anything different from usual, and I'm not hormonal, but I'm just inordinately grumpy with him at the moment. He spent a half hour fiddling with the remote (after i told him what was wrong with it and that we'd need a new one) only to decide that we needed to drive out to tri-county to the time warner store and get a new one. because, obviously, i don't know what the hell i'm talking about when it comes to those things or something? Yesterday we went to the movies and hung out with Tim and Emily and Truck, and it was cool, but Zach kept having this tone in his voice~I'm stressed about my parents visiting and I was all, "god, I'm gonna have to clean all week!" and he started doing that "i'm saying it jokingly, but i'm totally serious!" thing and started saying how "wow, you're actually gonna clean?" and little comments along those lines~innocent sounding stuff, but kind of snide. then in the elevator, he made a comment about not getting laid right in front of truck. and whatever, we joke about that kind of stuff when it's in general terms, but you don't SAY those kinds of things like that.

then later i asked him if he wanted to go swimming and he seemed excited to, and then was like "there's something else I'd like to do too!", like after all those little comments all day I was still supposed to be all enthusiastic or something? So I told him THAT wouldn't be happening and went to go put on my suit~came back out and suddenly he didn't wanna swim anymore~so he pretty much only said he'd go swimming thinking that if he did, he'd get laid.

and today has brought more comments, but also "are you mad about something?"

because, of course, he has no earthly idea that any of this could have, you know, BOTHERED me.

so grrr for boys being stupid~no matter how old, or married, or otherwise normal.

i am so inconsistant

So it's been a long-ass time since I've updated this thing. I have a job now; yayz! I'm a nanny 30 hours a week to a great family, and I really enjoy it. Like, to the point here if they want to keep me until the youngest is in school (he's about 7 months now) I'd gladly sign a 5-year contract.

So that's very good. A lot of my, I dunno, inner turmoil, angst, whatever, was from a lack of purpose. I didn't have a job, my days consisted of sleeping til whenever, looking for jobs on Monster, and then staying up until the wee hours of the morning because I simply wasn't tired. Half of what was wearing me down emotionally was my sleep patterns. Now that I have a job, a reason to get my butt outta bed in the morning, and the fact that my job runs me tired enough to sleep at night, I'm feeling a lot better.

I'm feeling content in a way that I haven't in a long time, and I'm really enjoying feeling that way.

I swear, I had some other deep thoughts last night, but I fell asleep and now I can't remember what they were.

holy crap it's been a bit of time...

So I was watching this episode of Oprah (I swear, it doesn't happen often, but it was on when I was flipping through the channels) and it was showing these kids going through this anger exercise.

All you do is say what makes you angry~like, not "Bad drivers make me angry!" but "I'm angry that..."

And it looked so awesome, because I don't express my anger. At all. It is a rare occasion when I get well and truly pissed and let it show. I tend to be fairly laid-back, but there are things that make me so angry, but I just never really knew how to express it constructively. I remember yelling and crying a lot when I was angry as a kid, and once I actually punched a girl I was friends with because she was being bossy, but that's it.

The last recent times I've allowed myself to be really angry and to let it out was years ago when I found out that my brother had a baby, like, a week before I was told. I was angry that I hadn't been told about the pregnancy, or even the birth until a week after. And I was angry with the mother, about the situation she had "gotten" my brother into, but reason kinda prevailed on that one, because it takes two, y'know? And I'm still a little angry that I haven't ever met my niece, who is now like, 5 or 6.

I was also angry about the situation my grandfather was in with my grandmother; the idea that she could take away so much of what he had worked for and lived for for so long, and not think twice about it.

But I'm angry about so many things, and I just keep them in and swallow them down and don't deal with them, and it's not healthy. So, here is a list of things that make me angry:

I'm angry that:
...I don't feel that I will accomplish my bigger dreams because I don't know where to start
...I can't get excited about finishing college
...I let people talk down to me
...I don't stick up for myself
...I use self-deprecating humor to protect myself even when I don't need to
...I don't have any motivation
...I can't find a job
...No matter how good I THINK I look, pictures don't lie
...I'm good at fooling myself that everything is ok
...I feel inadequate
...I'm not more responsible
...being sad makes me angry
...my neighbor is loud and obnoxious but we can't afford to move
...I can't share these thoughts with Zach
...these thoughts keep me from being the kind of person I know he deserves
...that I'm afraid to cry
...that I can't go back to age 10 and start over
...that I can't get published legitimatly
...that I'm a little good at everything, but not good at anything lucrative
...that I'm no longer young enough for this to be acceptable