christmas

I'm feeling really anxious about christmas tonight. part of that is probably because of what it was like last time we went to NJ (poppy's birthday party~Zach was overwhelmed and withdrawn, inappropriate uncle was inappropriate, drunken cynical loud uncle was drunk and cynical and loud, and I was back to feeling like a 12 year old).

It's a big family christmas eve type thing~all the aunts and uncles and cousins and poppy under one roof, most of the adults drinking heavily, the older cousins (anywhere from 30 to 45) talking about their jobs and kids, the younger cousins talking about...idk, justin beiber or something, they're all about 13 to 16, and...me. It was always like that though~I fall in between a 32 year old and a 21 year old, and I've never really been close to any of them. Zach got all withdrawn last time~between meeting a bunch of new people and being pissed at inappropriate uncle, he kind of went into shutdown mode and fiddled with his phone on the loveseat away from other people. So it leaves me with the choice of trying to make polite conversation with relatives who love pretending to be close to me, sitting alone with Zach in his funk, or making him sit with me while I attempt conversation~he doesn't DO small talk or new people or assholery (unless it's his own). So that's my list of options there.

The other reason is that I'm NOT close to any of them. I never really had been close to the cousins because of the age gaps~just big enough to matter when I was in junior high, which was the last time for a long time we were all together. My aunts are a lot like my father~even though they don't intend things to come out as criticism, a lot of it does~that kind of snide, backhanded compliment kind. And I mean, some of it stuck WITH me, things that didn't even seem hurtful, but were just insensitive, and I was a pretty sensitive kid. Like getting a 12 year old a tank top and underwear from Victoria's Secret for christmas, and saying it was good they had tops like that, because it wasn't like I needed a bra. Or, when I was there for a few days with my dad in high school, my aunt cathy took me shopping so I'd have something to do, because my dad was busy getting some of my grandpa's affairs in order (poppy gets sick a lot off and on, I think that was when he took care of getting the power of attorney and stuff transferred to my aunt) but anyway, she took me shopping with the phrase, "be happy I'm taking you, because lord knows your father wouldn't do something like this". INSENSITIVE, especially since, with the exception of that 4 day trip, I usually only saw my dad every other saturday.

When my parents divorced (jr high) it was like that entire side of the family disappeared. I didn't know about births, or marriages, or divorces until WELL after the fact (whenever dad got around to mentioning it). No birthday cards. A Christmas card to me and mom from "grandpa" although aunt cyndee sent them all out~which, poppy wasn't in any condition to, so I'm glad she DID think to do that for him, at least.

When Nick married Jess, quite a few of the aunts and uncles came~mainly because uncle john and aunt cyndee (brother and sister) are his godparents. Dad's girlfriend was there, mom was there, that whole side of the family was there. It was awkward and I spent most of the reception with a drink in my hand, trying to ignore exactly how awkward and hinky feeling it all was.

Aunt Larissa was actually the only one to come up and talk to me~she married Uncle John, and I've always liked her~and she actually acknowledged how awkward the whole thing was, and apologized for not keeping in touch with me for the 7 or 8 previous years, but that she just hadn't known what to say, and then a long time had gone by and she didn't know where to start again.

A lot of my bitterness comes from all of them not making more of an effort to keep in touch with me. they kept in touch with nick and tony, but none of them are my godparents, so that kind of let them off the hook I guess. And then there's the whole "I could have made more of an effort to keep in touch with THEM" but you know what? I was in JR HIGH. My parents were getting divorced because my dad cheated (A Critelli male trait, btw, my grandpa, my uncle john, and my cousins PJ and Tommy are the only men to have not cheated on their wives) and my oldest brother was an abusive drug addict. And I was hitting puberty, and that's rough enough on it's OWN. I needed support from them, and I didn't get it. So, as much as I would have liked it to be different, I cut my losses and looked elsewhere.

So when I see them now, and they act all buddy-buddy calling me "Mandy" (which I've only ever let Taryn, Amy, and my godfather call me that, so where do they get the nerve) and making overly familiar comments about how I've grown and "don't I want a job where I can make money?" it just makes me angry. And the lead-up makes me anxious, because I know seeing them is going to make me feel sad and mad and wondering why "they didn't love me!" and all that stupid crap that persists nonetheless.

Part of me knows that once poppy is gone, I probably won't see that side of the family again until my father dies, and a huge part of me is okay with that. like, 99% of me. the only reason we're going for Christmas is because poppy wants everyone there, and when that's all a 90 year old man wants for christmas, you give it to him. there's that 1% of me that would love to have a close relationship with them (they are all crazy close to each other, having lived their whole lives in the same state together) but too much time has passed and there's too much history there for that to happen.