holy ridiculousness

It's been so long since I've updated this thing...for real, yo, it's almost embarrassing.

So last time I posted, I was all irate with Zach :-P Whatever, it happens.

He's currently at work~his schedule changed, so he has Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and works on the weekend. Which kind of sucks, but sometimes my schedule and his line up so that we have a whole day to spend together instead of just a few hours before bedtime.

The loneliness isn't as much of an issue I guess~I mean, I'm with Ali and Ben 3 days a week, so it's not like I'm sitting at home all alone moping or anything. I just never thought I'd become someone that doesn't like being alone.

I spent so much time alone when I was a kid~I'd hide in my room and read and that was pretty much my safe place, you know? Being alone didn't bother me then. Even living in the dorm alone was fine~and AmyJo was great, but I really didn't enjoy having a roommate sophomore year. But living with Alex and Naomi was so great once we got that apartment, and it really made me enjoy living with people, and spending time just...existing in the same space as others. Then straight from that I lived with Zach, and it's almost like I've now forgotten how to be content alone. How to be alone without being lonely.

So I snuggle with the dogs and I watch bad TV until the funk passes, or I have people come over for dinner.

I think part of it is knowing that we're technically kinda stuck in Cincinnati. Since Zach is really making a career out of AAA, unless he gets to a level where they would transfer him to another station in another state, we're staying here. Nowhere near any of our families. Naomi is here, and that's awesome and I love her like she's a sister, but I hardly ever see her anymore~she and Tony have a crazy weird schedule and plans we make fall through so often. I see her every few Sundays at church, but unless we make spur of the moment plans (which is her and Tony initiating it since they have the weird schedule) I don't really see her all that much.

Tim and Truck come over often~about once a week~but I'm really lacking that sister/best-friend connection here. Alex~like, if Zach had an opportunity to work for AAA in Maryland, I would start packing immediately. I would absolutely love to live near Alex again. She was one of the first friends I made out here, and she's been a sister to me ever since. Aside from Zach, she's the one person I know for a fact I could see every day and not want to beat the crap out of or get bored with.

I dunno. I don't think I've really accepted Cincinnati as my home yet. I live here, but in my heart I haven't really faced the fact that this is where we are settled. This is where we have to plant our roots. Hell, we still have things in boxes in the second bedroom that we haven't even unpacked. And I don't know that unpacking them is what will make me accept it.

And sometimes I feel so silly. I'll start worrying about what' 5 years down the road. I mean, in 5 years, if we're gonna have kids we need to have had at least the first one by then. I'm really not too keen on being in my late 30s and still be having kids. But then I think holy hell we can't do that! We need a house with a yard, and all of our family~both sides!~are at least a 10 hour drive away. There's very little support system here for us. How could we do that without having family nearby? But then that brings up the "Zach doesn't wanna live in the South and I don't wanna live in Iowa" thing again.

I don't know how anyone PLANS to purposely have a baby. There's way too many things to stress over and consider. Maybe the accidental ones are the best.

Not that we're having any of THOSE either! I look at my friends, and the family I work for, and I know it's wrong, but sometimes I feel so jealous. They seem to have this whole adulthood thing worked out, and it's going along according to this unwritten plan that everyone hopes for that I have yet to reach. And I wonder why I don't have it together the way they do. And I realize no one has it as together as they seem to, but it still kinda bums me out.

I always felt so freaking RESPONSIBLE for denying myself the things I want because they aren't rational or feasible or realistic at the moment. But I see my family or friends or people I'll sit for getting the same things that I want out of life without planning, without stressing, and it almost makes me resent them. Not them, specifically, but their ability to say "fuck it, whatever happens happens."

I wish I could just do that. But I know that if I did, it would be a colossal disaster.

I had a plan, you know? I had my whole future planned out. This is an entirely different life than what I planned. I love it; I love Zach and our dogs and our apartment. But I think I must be mourning for all those lovely plans I had made that have since flown out the window.